I used to believe that I was just a binge-comfort eater. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised this really isn’t the case. Whether I’m happy, sad, angry, excited, you name it, I am hungry.
My relationship with food has never been a healthy one, growing up, life was centered around food. Be it the battle for me to go veggie or using food as a reward, if I wasn’t eating, I was definitely talking or thinking about food.
As a teenager I accepted my weight, ate what I wanted and just got bigger and bigger. I’d guilt myself into joining the gym every now and then, but it was short lived, the effects not measuring up to my addiction.
By the time I’d finished my first year of university I was verging on a top heavy size 20, at over 14 stone, with only 5feet and 3inchs to my name.
A lucky break-up kicked me into shape and through rigorous exercise, diet and of course a little heartbreak, I got down to 10 stone. The problem was:
I was still obsessing about food.
I made all these rules for myself, about what I could and couldn’t eat, when and where I could eat. Eventually I burnt out and the pounds started piling on again.
Fast forward a few years and I’ve never managed to get back to the size 12, 10 stone I’d been at my smallest.
No matter how many rules or goals I’d set myself, I would fall back into old patterns. No willpower or drive meant I would just eat and eat and eat.
Feeling constantly depressed, lethargic, ugly and just plain unhealthy, 2016 started with an ultimatum:
Love yourself or lose yourself.
Now, I’m not a fan of fad diets, after having tried juicing, weight watchers and countless others, I’d never had any success. But I was desperate. My weight and eating habits were not only affecting my physical health, my mental health and self esteem were in jeopardy.
My partner wanted us to try slimming world. I didn’t believe such a programme could help at all. But apprehensions aside I decided to join up and see if it would change me.
Nearly 5 months down the line I’ve learnt a lot about my relationship with food whilst also dropping a stone and a clothes size. I’m currently 10.12 stone and a size 12/14.
I’ve learnt that sugar addiction is real and meal planning is essential.
My first month was easy, a stone fell off. But since then I haven’t budged more than a pound up or down. I’ve hit a wall. My obsession has returned, all I do is think about when my next meal is coming and what I will be eating. I keep stress and happy binging and can’t seem to remotivate myself. Even attending group doesn’t shame me into being better.
Now, I’m not giving up. And I’m not saying slimming world works or doesn’t , I’ll stick with it for now and see how I go. I’m determined to lose another 2 stone to reach a comfortable healthy weight. I know that I’ve already changed my eating habits dramatically.
I actually enjoy going to the gym
and my overeating has triggers that I’m aware of. I generally make healthier choices and keeping off a stone loss over 3months is a personal achievement.
My journey started in January 2016 and will continue for the rest of my life. This blog/food diary will serve as the motivation and confessions to keep me on track.